Saturday, February 26th, 2011

What's one's capacity for forgiveness?

I know I haven't been posting for quite a while. We haven't been getting out much — Erik's shoulder is injured and he was advised to stay away from climbing and mountain biking; plus, I have been quite absorbed in our research and preparation for our kitchen and living room remodeling.

However, tonight, at almost midnight on a Friday night, I have the urge to write something. I need to get this off my chest so I can move on, and in the mean time, I want to make a pledge — I want to be a better person, like Erik.

I made a big mistake — I have been granted some stock options that were scheduled to expire on Feb 27, 2011. I knew the date. I procrastinated. Not because I wanted to time the market _- I don't follow the stock market. It's only because "well, I still have time and I'll get to it." I was going to exercise & sell today and even sent myself a reminder this morning, but work got busy and I forgot about it until late into the night. Then, I found out… the options expired on the last business day at market close. I missed it! My heart ached. It's like I just lit a match and burned a pile of bills worth of $11k+.  It's not much for a lot of people, but it's a lot for us, esp. during a time when we are doing everything we can to do a remodel on a budget, and our house needed the remodel.

I brought the bad news to Erik. I was full of guilt. I didn't expect him to scold me or anything — he's not that kind of person, but I was still amazed that he did not even frown. He gave me a big hug, smiled,  and said to me, "well, if this is this worst thing that has ever happened to you, you are doing pretty well."  I am still beating myself to death in my heart for the stupid mistake I made, but in the mean time, I feel enlightened in my realization that one man's capacity for forgiving others can really be boundless.

I knew if our roles had switched, it would have been different. I won't hide it – I may try to rationalize and convince myself that there is nothing we could do to change the situation, but I'm pretty sure my disappointment will still show, which will only make the other person feel worse. I'm so glad that it's not the other way around.  I have always been a critical person, more with myself, but also with the people around me. Today's incident taught me a big lesson. For all the mistakes I've criticized my loved one(s) for making that I thought were not forgivable, none of them were really unforgivable (esp. compared to my mistake).  I need to work on myself to have a bigger heart.

So. this. is. my. pledge.

A heavy weight just got lifted….

Thank you for reading.

7 Responses

  1. Patrick Herlihyon 26 Feb 2011 at 10:51 pm

    Don't beat yourself up about this. It's money you never had. I used to beat myself up for holding onto every single Sun Microsystems stock option in the ridiculous belief that it would return to its former glory one day. I'd have no mortgage if I'd sold at the peak.

    Erik's response is awesome.. miss you two!

    mudworm

    Patrick, thanks for reading and commenting. I'm constantly trying not to beat myself up about that, but it does take effort. We went out for a road ride out to the ocean. That felt great! We'll try to get out more and hope to ride with you and others again soon!

  2. 拜个晚年on 04 Mar 2011 at 7:56 am

    好久没见了,拜个晚年,祝快乐!祝Erik早日恢复健康!苏立超

    mudworm

    立超,你好!我现在忙得连自己的网站都疏忽了。刚回来查看。也给你拜晚年啦!也谢谢你对Erik的问候。希望你也一切都好,身体健康,快快乐乐!-学梅

  3. Sister Qon 07 Mar 2011 at 11:12 pm

    亲爱的,几次电话里只顾谈论辛然了,疏于对你们的关心,是我的问题!当然,以后你要主动告诉我。
    才知道EriK的肩膀受伤了,恢复的怎样?一定要治愈,别留后遗症!
    中国古语“破财消灾”,有道理的,更何况此事更显Erik的美德和对你的善良挚爱,知足吧,老妹!

    mudworm

    老姐呀,是的是的,我很知足,此事下来,真是意识到自己很有福气,另外自己也很受启发。从此之后,我真是没有脾气可以发啦,哈哈!他的肩膀在好转,放心吧。就是磕到扭到了,没有大问题!

  4. Mungeon 16 Apr 2011 at 1:20 pm

    you're right of course. it's only money and not health or friends. It's one of those learnings that means "i'll never make that mistake again" :)